An independent-oriented person thinks of marriage as together, but still independent. Above all else, they admire and appreciate independence in themselves and their spouse. They are attracted to someone who does things to show their own impressive individuality. They want their spouse to pursue them and show their interest, but can also easily feel pressured, overwhelmed and suffocated if their spouse puts too much focus on them or too much over-eagerness toward them.
They enjoy showing interest in their spouse, but they need to feel an individuality from their spouse to inspire that continued interest. Their interest can be lessened when they feel their spouse’s independence is not being shown as much.
A team-oriented person thinks of marriage as individuals, but still a team. Above all else, they admire and appreciate it when spouses really show a lot of interest in each other with flexibility for each other’s desires and an uplifting of each other. They are attracted to someone who does things to show an ongoing continued interest in them without holding back. They generally don’t feel pressured, overwhelmed or suffocated when they put focus on each other, and they don’t equate doing things for each other as being a doormat.
They enjoy showing interest in their spouse, but they need the feeling of their spouse adoring and being smitten with them to inspire that continued interest. Their interest can be lessened when they feel their spouse backing away from them and what they desire.
Test To Find Which Type You Are:
Part One – Connections for the independent-oriented spouse
These are things that typically will have a strong positive impact on the connection that an independent-oriented person feels toward their spouse. The more of these you answer as “A”, the more independent-oriented you are.
Choose A or B for each question. Mark down your selections as you go.
- I feel a strong connection to my spouse to listen to me vent my frustrations in life, not to fix my problems or get defensive over an issue. Sufficient.
- Listening to me vent about life’s frustrations is good, but my connection to them isn’t affected whether they do it or not.
- I like my spouse to help to get ready to go somewhere without waiting for input. Sufficient.
- Helping get ready to go somewhere is good, but I don’t get overly frustrated if they wait for me to direct them what to do.
- I feel a strong connection when my spouse shows individual passion for things such as hobbies, interests and experiences. Development.
- My spouse showing individual passion for things is good, but doesn’t really affect how I view them.
- I like my spouse to laugh, smile, make eye contact and to have conversations with me and others so I can see other people enjoy being around them and to see what we individually think about things. Development.
- Laughing, smiling, making eye contact and to talking to me and others are obviously good, but doesn’t affect my connection to them very much.
- I like my spouse to be assertive and bold about what they want, what their viewpoints are and to do actions they want to do instead of tentatively asking or being timid about it. Confident.
- I like my spouse being assertive, but ultimately it doesn’t affect my connection to them very much.
- I like my spouse to have an opinion and make a decision on big and small things when asked or when needed. Confident.
- I like my spouse to be decisive, but ultimately it doesn’t affect my connection to them very much.
- My spouse agreeing with me is nice, but doing it too much can show a lack of confidence in themselves and their own value as a person. Confident.
- I don’t correlate being agreeable with a lack of confidence or independence.
- I can feel overwhelmed when my spouse pursues me too much and from too much attention from them. Pursuing.
- I don’t get overwhelmed when my spouse pursues me too much or from attention from them.
- By giving me space and time apart, it creates a desire for connection and anticipation to come back together. Pursuing.
- I don’t need space and time apart to build desire for my spouse.
- I can feel suffocated if my spouse tries to please or impress me too much without backing off to let me please and impress them too. Pursuing.
- If my spouse tries to do everything for themselves and act too independent, I can feel not needed or neglected by them.
Part Two – Connections for the team-oriented spouse
These are things that typically will have a strong positive impact on the connection that a team-oriented person feels toward their spouse. The more of these you answer as “B”, the more team-oriented you are.
Choose A or B for each question. Mark down your selection as you go.
- It’s ok for my spouse to be a little persistent to get me to open up my feelings when I’m upset.
- I don’t like my spouse to pester me to talk about my feelings too soon when I’m upset or stressed because I often internally process my feelings first before talking about them. Supportive.
- When conflict arises over doing an activity, spouses shouldn’t have to do something they don’t want to do.
- Spouses should take turns with each other’s activity to show empathy for what each other desires, even when they don’t always feel like it, unless an activity goes against your morals and values. Supportive.
- I don’t associate making sarcastic or joking remarks as not being warm and supportive to each other.
- It’s not ok to make sarcastic or joking remarks because doing that shows that we’re not being warm and supportive to each other. Supportive.
- Appreciation and compliments are always nice, but ultimately this doesn’t affect my connection to my spouse.
- I want my spouse to show appreciation and give me compliments because I want them to be encouraging of me. Uplifting.
- My spouse expressing small, insignificant issues doesn’t affect my connection to them.
- I want my spouse to let small, insignificant issues go because I prefer them to be light-hearted, pleasant to be around and cheerful more often. Easy Going.
- My spouse getting easily irritated at me or offended doesn’t affect my connection because I always want to know what they’re feeling.
- I don’t want my spouse getting easily irritated at me or offended because they should know my intentions are good and that I would not purposely be uncaring. Easy Going.
- When I do something different than my spouse does, I want them to express their way so I can see if it’s better than my way.
- When I do something different than my spouse, I prefer them not saying anything about it because they can appear judgmental, controlling or combative. Easy Going.
- When my spouse focuses mainly on being comfortable with their visual appearance at home, it can affect my connection to them.
- I want my spouse to put effort in their appearance when they are at home with me, not just when going out or to work. Enticing.
- If I’m in a bad mood, I want my spouse to do something light, such as use humor or a hug to lighten my mood.
- If I’m in a bad mood, I want my spouse to do something tangible for me, such as making my favorite snack or do a physical activity with me. Affectionate.
- I enjoy non-sexual affection, but it’s not really one of the ways I mainly feel a connection toward them.
- Non-sexual affection makes me feel very connected because it’s a way to connect our bodies and feel as one together. Affectionate.
Part Three – Connections for both, but for different reasons
These things will typically be equally important to both types of spouses, but will be fulfilled by their spouse in different ways. The more of these you answer as “A”, the more independent-oriented you are. The more of these you answer as “B”, the more team-oriented you are.
Choose A or B for each question. Mark down your selection as you go.
- I like my spouse to do domestic activities around the house to show they’re a responsible adult and able to be self-sufficient. Sufficient.
- I like my spouse to do domestic activities around the house because we want to show support to what each other likes. Supportive.
- When doing fun things, I feel a strong connection toward my spouse when they plan or initiate it, especially romantic things. Stimulating.
- When doing fun things, I feel a strong connection toward my spouse when they are being enthusiastic about what we’re doing together. Uplifting.
- When flirting with me, I like my spouse to be subtle and build anticipation by slowly escalating and then backing off to let me warm up to their flirtations. Pursuing.
- I like my spouse to be more forward by being playful, seductive and provocative with less subtleness. Affectionate.
- Sexually, I want to feel ravished by my spouse and feel their incredible desire for me. Stimulating.
- Sexually, I want to feel my spouse’s total involvement and letting their inhibitions go to really enjoy the moment together with me. Enticing.
- I like my spouse to have an attractive hairstyle, clothing and body attributes to show personal development and a drive to look good with a sense of style. Development.
- I like my spouse to have an attractive hairstyle, clothing and body attributes to show they care about what I find most appealing visually. Enticing.
- I like my spouse to be engaging or energizing to be around to show they have an individual, joyful passion for life with direct eye contract, and fun banter using subtle flirtatious charm and charisma. Stimulating.
- Subtle flirtatious banter is good, but the main thing I like is for my spouse to have an uplifting presence by building people up, not knocking them down, to show they’re a positive, happy person to be around. Uplifting.
For all 26 questions, add up the number of “A’s” and “B’s” you marked. If you have more “A’s”, you are more independent-oriented in marriage. If you have more “B’s”, you are more team-oriented in marriage.
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