Being able to keep the passion spark alive in marriage can be difficult sometimes, but there are some easy ways to do it. One important way is to make sure not to over-commit on our to-to schedule. Life can be full of pressure and keep you focused on other things, but letting it get out of hand can make the spark with your spouse and the marriage fade when it should be alive.
This week’s inspiring story comes from Judith at https://judithproberts.com/. Knowing how to keep the spark and the passion in marriage alive and flourishing can be a tricky thing. It’s a balancing act to committing to a full, fun life, but also giving your spouse enough quiet down time together. Finding the right balance can lead to a dream marriage and to many happy years together.
Judith realized that leading a full, active life is good, which is Stimulation Need #2. However, she also realized that her husband needs some alone and family time together with her as well, which is Stability Need #4. It’s important to balance both of these needs of your spouse out.
One of her big needs is Stability Need #1, her husband understanding what she needs and helping to be a stress reliever. He understands her feelings and what she is needing from him and from life at that moment. She needs him to be in tune with her.
From Judith on how she is able to keep the passion and the spark alive in her marriage:
“Mommy, I love art lessons.”
I was brushing my five-year-old daughter’s hair, getting her ready for school, when she made this pronouncement. “I’m glad,” I said.
“Yeah. I like art even better than school.” This was huge, because as a new kindergartener, the shine of school still sparkles for our firstborn. “I like art even better than dance.”
I smiled. I smiled big and hard. Because right then, I was so glad we made that choice.
Every day, couples have to make choices about their children. Sometimes these choices are small – do we eat grilled cheese sandwiches or soup tonight? Or Do I braid her hair or straighten it? But, more often than not, or maybe it just seems that way to me, but we have big choices to make for our family. Public school, private, or homeschool? Tennis, dance, piano, or soccer – or all of them?
Since we were first married, Kyle, my husband of 13 years, has been such a good tone setter for our family. I call him a tone setter because he is quite musically inclined, but also he is so attuned to the rhythm of our family. He knows when we need to rest and when we should play – and he knows when the mama needs to rest, whether I like it or not.
I love being busy. I really do. I have trouble saying no to things because oh, it would be such fun! This was apparent even before we had kids. Kyle and I were both working full time and both graduate students, but I wanted to do everything and anything. Help out with that? No problem! Volunteer with that organization? Absolutely! Work a freelance job because it sounds amazing? Why, yes, sign me up! So many times, Kyle had to pull me back and remind me that not only am I only one woman with the same 24 hours in a day as everyone else, but I also am a married woman.
My focus is on my family. We, from the moment we decided to get married, need time with each other, to listen, to grow, and to plan. We needed time to reengage with each other after a hard work day or time to plan our own activity with each other.
As a couple, you need time with each other – before and after children. And when children come, that same busyness problem will come. For us, we have so many great activities for our children between music, art, dance, and sports. And I know my little girls would love and excel at most of those activities – but here’s the thing – we need time to be a family, too.
For two years, my firstborn took ballet and tap. She loved dancing and being on stage, but we noticed that she had a strong inclination toward art. She wanted to draw and paint every day, and she was good at it. We talked about it a lot. We argued about it a lot. We could put her in both activities – but the question was should we?
She had made her mind up way before we did – she wanted art. Sure, she’d take dance, too, but she was adamant that she was an artist (that’s why we have nicknamed her The Artist).
I was a little disappointed that we came to the decision not to put her in dance this year – but already I can see the benefits. My little girl is so much like her daddy. She gives 100 percent during her day, and by the middle of the week, she is struggling. She cried Thursday because she messed up a little on her homework. She is emotional and young, and with church, art, and school, she didn’t need something else added to her plate.
Please remember that what is right for our family isn’t right for all others, but there is merit in listening to the rhythm of your family, whether or not you have children. Because when you listen to the rhythm of your family, you’re able to listen to the rhythm of your marriage – and help your spouse with the tone of your beautiful household.
Please visit https://judithproberts.com/. From her website, “Married my best friend, Kyle, in 2005. We’ve been having life adventures together ever since.
Kyle and I have the two most precious angels in the world: “The Artist,” who is 5 going on 13, and “The Engineer,” who is 1
We also have a dog, Vicki, and a cat, Apollo, but they don’t show up often in my writing. Sorry.
I have a Ph.D. and M.A. in mass communication and a B.A. in journalism. So I have fancy wall decorations that are sitting on a filing cabinet in my office.
I love Jesus. That’s part of my core identity. And I love my church. We’re an imperfect body of Christ, but I am so thankful to do life with them.
I am a full-time assistant professor of communication. I love it. I get excited to talk about theories, social media trends, news, politics, and religion. And because I like to be just a tad bit taboo, my current research is about politics and religion. Don’t invite me to dinner.
I want to hear your story. For real. Email me, tell it to me. I studied and served as a reporter for my local paper; I love to hear about people.
Connect better with your spouse
Get your needs met by understanding your spouse’s needs better.
Of the 5 Stability Needs, which is the primary one you want from your spouse? Go here to find out how this helps your marriage.
Of the 5 Stimulation Needs, which is the primary one you want from your spouse? Go here to find out how this helps your marriage.
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